Wedding Primer: Engagement Rings

Kicking off our tradition series, I figure I’ll start at the place where most people assume “official engagement” begins, the Ring.  (Capitalization in lieu of being able to raise my voice a few octaves)  This isn’t going to be a place to discuss where engagement starts or anything like that.  It’s about the ring.  The reason that friends, family, and moderate acquaintances  think it’s OK to grab your hand and shove it up their eye cavity to see how much your fiance loves you (and silently compare it to what they have).  Many are the nightmare stories I’ve heard, of someone being excited about their love token, and having well intended onlookers insist it aren’t good enough, it isn’t “real”, and basically sucking all the fun and happy out of it.  Ass wipes.

So here is the story of the Ring.

The History

The earliest record of rings in relationship to marriage belongs to the ancient Egyptians (as far as we can tell, no one else did the paperwork), with loops made of reeds.  The symbolism was an important part of the gift, not only the traditional “This ring has no beginning and no end”, but the negative space inside the ring represented a gateway, leading to the unknown, expressing never ending love, dedication and commitment, regardless of what the future held.  Once this temporary ring was given it didn’t last very long, so a new ring would be made of something that usually came back to the giver.  Leather, bone, pottery for the working class, ivory or gold for the wealthy or ruling class.

The Romans were doing “betrothal rings” known as “Anulus Pronubus”.  These aren’t engagement rings, but an iron band that was slipped on during the wedding ceremony.  Something evolved from the pagan practice of a man tying cords around the waist, wrists and ankles of a woman he was in love with to bring her spirit under his control.  Since iron was unbreakable, a sign of strength and the permanence of the bond, the ring was to be a permanent reminder that the husband was in control of the wife’s spirit, and that her wishes were second to his own.  Icky.  Once a woman proved she could be trusted with her husband’s valuables, she got upgraded to a silver or gold ring as an outward display of his trust and her loyalty.

The Christians took them around the 9th century, because Pope Nicholas I told them to.  He decreed that the engagement ring was a required statement of nuptial intent.  He insisted that it was a valued metal, preferably gold, because it had to be a financial sacrifice.  For those that couldn’t afford gold, they instead carved them with intricately carved scenes.  Then the Christian church thought this was completely inappropriate and vain (See, they had “tackiness” way back in the 13th century), and brought rings back to a more humble unadorned plain ring.

In the Anglo Saxton time period, the bridegroom would have to break something valuable to him, and hand half over to the bride’s father, to prove his intent.  Kind of like a down payment.  The wealthy would usually split a valuable coin, sometimes that would would be melted down to be used as a ring.

Now here is where we start to get to the modern engagement ring (DIAMONDDDDSSS!!!  GIANT FRIGGIN DIAMONDS!!!)

In 1475 Constanzo Sforza gave his bride to be, Camilla d’Aragona, a diamond ring on their wedding day.  He also included a very sweet poem full of thoughtfulness as to WHY he chose the diamond.  “Two torches in one ring of burning fire.  Two wills, two hearts, two passions, all bonded in marriage by a diamond.”  Not to be outdone, two years later, Archduke Maximillan gave a diamond ring to his fiance, Mary of Burgundy.  So started a trend in the aristocracy of extravagant rings, coated in jewels and enamel.

At this point in time diamonds were incredibly rare, so only the rich could afford them.  Since they were so rare, they were a sacrifice for people who could easily afford gold or other stones.  Interestingly enough, Queen Victoria got a diamond solitaire for a wedding ring, and a snake ring with emeralds for an engagement gift.  Not that that means anything, i just thought it was interesting.  So anyways, diamonds were rare, the rich were buying them, the diamond people were happy, and the rich people were happy because the diamonds showed that they were rich.  The poor people weren’t really polled on this, but I don’t think they cared.

Then something horrible happened.  In 1870, ginormous expansive diamond mines were discovered all along the Orange River in South Africa.  Suddenly diamonds weren’t so rare.  The supply far exceeded the demand, the diamond people couldn’t get the prices they were getting.  Desperate to save their fortunes all the diamond mine owners created a single diamond entity in 1888, you know them as De Beers.  De Beers became the sole “owner” of diamonds, they were able to control how many diamonds were available to the public, artificially controlling their “scarcity”.  Unfortunately for them, diamonds became like any other commodity.  People traded them, resold them, chopped them into smaller bits and sold them for a lesser price.  There was no sentimental attachment to them, and De Beers was losing control of diamond value.

The Marketing

I’m going to apologize here, because I am FASCINATED by marketing, and the rise of the diamond ring as THE engagement ring really is masterful.  So I’m going to be going on about it for awhile.  If you aren’t interested in the details, the gist of it is the diamond was strategically placed by an ad agency in all forms of media, to subconsciously be synonymous with love, success, and happiness.

In 1938, De Beers brought on an advertising genius, Gerold M Lauck, from N. W. Ayer.  For some reason, during the Great Depression, when people couldn’t afford things like, I dunno, food, they were very much less inclined to spend money on baubles like diamonds. The diamonds they were selling were of a small size and lower quality, in the $80 a piece region, and almost all of those diamonds were selling in America as engagement rings.

The research began, finding that the total amount of diamonds (carat wise) had dropped by 50%, the quality by almost 100%, and 90% of all the diamonds being bought were by young men as engagement presents for their fiances.  So N. W. Ayer used this research to come to a pretty reasonable conclusion.  Diamonds were being used as a symbol of love.  All they had to do was “educate” the public to the thought of the bigger and better the diamond, the more love there was.

N. W. Ayer, being a very good advertising company, jumped on the hottest thing on the market, the motion picture industry, emphasizing the use of diamonds in film as a symbol of eternal love.  They made deals with newspapers, to do stories on celebrities and socialites, when diamonds were given to stress the size of the stone, and to include lots of photos of glittering hands of famous people.  Fashion designers were brought in, to gossip about how diamonds were the latest trend.  A trend that De Beers was doing it’s best to start.

Even the royal family was brought into it, with the advertising company informing Great Britain “Since Great Britain has such an important interest in the diamond industry, the royal couple could be of tremendous assistance to this British industry by wearing diamonds rather than other jewels.”  Queen Elizabeth did her part by going on a well publicized trip to South African diamond mines, and publicly accepted a diamond gift from the president of De Beers.  N. W. Ayer then put full page ads in elite magazines, featuring famous paintings by artists like Pablo Picasso and Salvado Dali.  The intent being that diamonds weren’t merely stones, but works of art.

In less than three years, this new form of immersive advertising had increased sales by 55%, in a product that had been experiencing only plummeting sales for decades.  They were the pioneers of advertising a product as a way of life, an emotional state of being, not a direct sale.

Then they got dirty.  In 1947, N. W. Ayer sent lecturers into high schools, all of whom would touch on the importance of a diamond engagement ring, their targets being hormonal love addled teenage girls 15 and over.  They redoubled their efforts in showcasing celebrities, “We spread the word of diamonds worn by stars of screen and stage, by wives and daughters of political leaders, by any woman who can make the grocer’s wife and the mechanic’s sweetheart say ‘I wish I had what she has.’”  It was around this time that they coined the phrase that has been branded on every woman’s cerebral cortex “A Diamond is forever.”  Internal memos discussed that the diamond is in fact NOT forever, and can be chipped, shattered,  discolored, or incinerated, but the powers that be figured the public was doing so well believing what they told them to, they would take whatever they said as gospel.

Well, the public didn’t.  In 1951, N. W. Ayer noted “The millions of brides and brides-to-be are subjected to at least two important pressures that work against the diamond engagement ring. Among the more prosperous, there is the sophisticated urge to be different as a means of being smart…. the lower-income groups would like to show more for the money than they can find in the diamond they can afford…”  So the rich didn’t want diamonds because they weren’t special any more.  The not so rich avoided diamonds because they could get more for the money with some other stone.  Crap.

The advertising agency increased it’s efforts.  TV was a big deal, and soon a starlet who was making an appearance would be dripping with diamonds, all loaned by De Beers or one of their sub companies.  They created their own diamond authority, the “Diamond Information Center”, making sure that they were the ones that all the publishers came to for any and all information on diamonds.

With the economy on the upswing, the market focused it’s sight on men.  “The substantial diamond gift can be made a more widely sought symbol of personal and family success — an expression of socio-economic achievement,  Promote the diamond as one material object which can reflect, in a very personal way, a man’s … success in life.”  Their advertising shifted to give the appeal of a “good mens club”, complete with old leather, polished wood, and the aroma of tweed.  Having never smelled tweed, I can’t imagine where they started with that.  But they did, and they brought up an entire generation of young people who were completely convinced that diamond rings were essential to an engagement.  Convinced to the point that when surveyed, if couples couldn’t afford a diamond engagement ring, they would call off the engagement until they could.

Mission Accomplished.

How to Wear It

Most Americans wear an engagement ring on the ring finger of the middle hand, stemming from the Romans believing that the vena amoris (vein of love) ran from the third finger of the left hand directly to the heart.  While that was dis-proven once we learned anatomy, it’s still romantic.

To the Christians, the ring was an important part of the ceremony.  Their ritual demanded that the wedding ring was to be worn on the third finger.  The priest would touch the ring to each finger, starting with the thumb, while saying “In the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit” ending with the third finger.  This symbolized that God was to come first, but after God your priority was your marriage.

The least romantic or religious reason is wear.  An engagement ring is something you want to keep nice.  Since most of the world’s population is right handed, the ring is put on the least used hand.  Your thumb, index, and middle finger are the most used, and the pinkie is too small to make fancy rings for, thus, the fourth finger became the ring finger.

Ring order is apparently a hotly debated topic.  I was not aware of this.  Someone commented on how I wore my wedding band on the outside, which isn’t the standard.  Now in my case it’s because my engagement ring is a little too big, and can’t be resized, so my band locks it in place.  I also kind of like that the rings are the way they were on my wedding day.  That’s just me, and I’m weird.  Here’s the official stuff.

The standard romantic answer is that because marriage is more of a commitment than engagement, it should be the closest to your heart.  Before the wedding ceremony, the engagement ring is supposed to go on the right hand, the wedding band goes on while everyone is watching, and you surreptitiously add the engagement ring when no one is looking.

The actual history behind this is the Italian “fede” (faith) ring, three totally separate bands that joined at the base to become one.  The outside bands were hands, and the inside one contained a heart (The forerunner to the solitaire).  When a couple was betrothed (Which was a big legally binding deal), the bride to be would get one hand, the groom another, and a third party (The witness to the wedding) would keep the heart, to give it over at the wedding ceremony to be put on the bride’s finger, followed by the other ring the groom was holding.  They would all lock together, the hands clasping each other, protecting the heart.

Use for Today

My strategy for life is take what you want and ignore what you don’t.  This falls into that category.  I love the engagement ring as a token of love, a symbol of what you hope for your relationship.  In all honesty, the Egyptian thing gave me goosebumps.  The ring doesn’t have to represent that nasty Roman ownership thing.  Make it whatever you want.

If you’re not into rings, there are plenty of alternatives, I know of engagement lighters, flasks, puppies, even an engagement spoon.  Do you NEED any of these these to prove how valid your relationship is?  Of course not.  But it’s nice.

As for what the engagement ring/token contains, again, whatever works for you.  Personally, if you like diamonds go for it.  (Again, NOT going to have a discussion about blood diamonds here.  There are plenty of ways to get non conflict diamonds.)  I have diamonds, an heirloom engagement ring, and a conflict free wedding band that has diamonds simply because my husband wanted the two to match.  (He’s much more of a traditionalist than I am.)  Stones of all sorts have been made into engagement rings, your standard precious or semi precious gems, pearls, agates, even moon rocks.  Many rings don’t have stones at all,  Mokume Gane, wood, wire, the options really are endless.  The constant is it has ties to the couple that are sharing this gift.